Q: What can I do to help my child cope with our divorce?
A: Your first
priority is to calm yourself down so you can parent your child
well during this difficult time. Parents who cave in to the torment
of emotions they feel themselves are much less able to comfort
their
children than those who adjust better in a personal sense.
Next, talk to your child about the upcoming separation and necessary
changes in
the family. We cannot overemphasize the importance of planning
for separation, as opposed to making abrupt changes, such as moving
out overnight. Your
child needs to be reassured that you are making arrangements
to take care of him or her, and that you will always be there when
they need
you. Be sure and listen to your child's feelings about the
parents not being together. Introduce the two-home concept gently,
in a
neutral way.
Finally, when your child is ready, read books about divorce
and separation along with her or him. Be sure to avoid denial by
learning to deal directly
with your child about the facts about the family changes.
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Q: How can I deal with an ex-spouse who is angry?
A: When your
former spouse is angry, try to view this response as grief, and
as reflecting the loss of the marriage and family as one unit.
Think
about the reasons why your spouse may be angry and be ready
for interactions that may be difficult. Maintain your own composure
in conversations which
become conflictual, and be patient. Remember that anger is
a normal response to loss, and even though you may be more in control,
your spouse is struggling.
When your former partner's anger continues months and even
years after the separation, your continued neutrality is even more
important.
But
while you may be in a position to suggest your child's other
parent get help, such as counseling, your suggestion may not be
welcomed. In this
case, remember that your own emotional control and continuing
efforts to resolve each parenting issue patiently are crucial.
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Q: How long will it take for the pain to go away?
A: That depends
on your own divorce adjustment and how well you restructure your
relationship with your child's other parent. Former spouses who
work through the grief process normally find that within about
two years they are feeling better and ready to move on with life.
When one or both
spouses cannot handle the grief, however, the process can take
much longer. If you find yourself feeling stuck, and either depressed
or angry more
than one year after legal arrangements have been finalized,
you should take steps to increase your support network or get professional
help.
This advice is especially important where children are involved
and where a solid coparenting relationship has not been achieved.
Counselors, mediators,
or parenting coordinators can help.
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Q: Can you give me advice about how to handle holidays and events?
A: Special times after separation can present the most difficult days
of the year. If you are recently separated and Thanksgiving or the winter
holidays are near, it will be important that you meet with your former
spouse, with or without a third party present, to pin down plans for
the holidays. Many parents wish to continue old traditions, at least
partially, during the first year of separation. This way your children
will not sense a great loss about celebrations they have had as a routine.
As months and years go by, however, you should build new traditions based
on your own personal wishes and perhaps your personal lives before your
marriage. Most post-divorce parents are happy splitting holidays, so
the children get to celebrate with each of them. When special events
such as graduations, music recitals, or championship sports events occur,
you will need to talk with your former spouse about how both of you can
participate. Your children will need you to work together to make sure
holidays and special events are positive and memorable for them.
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Q: What about discipline for our child when we live in separate
homes?
A: Parenting after divorce presents many special challenges. Guidance
and discipline for children are perhaps more important than ever before.
To make certain your son or daughter senses unity in the parenting team
in spite of the divorce, talk with your former spouse about general discipline
guidelines. If both of you agree that spanking and physical discipline
is inappropriate, for example, you should make it a rule each of you
will follow. Using time-out and loss of privileges in each home is often
successful. Following through with consequences can be hard when children
transfer from home to home. Sometimes former spouses do not agree to
be consistent with consequences from one home to the other. If this is
the case for you, deal directly with your child yourself, to be certain
she or he knows what the consequence will be upon coming back to you
at the next transition. One suggestion for divorced parents that works
is to have both you and your former spouse read the same books on child
guidance and parenting, so both of you can refer to the same helpful
resource when difficulties arise.
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Q: Why should an ex-spouse who was not very involved before
the divorce have so much time with our child now that we
are separated?
A: A common observation is that a parent who has been secondary or less
involved with the chidlren becomes activated in the parental role after
divorce. This may be because the parent has experienced so much loss,
not only of the marriage but also in spending time with the children.
Whatever the reason, it is a positive change when a mother or father
becomes more enthusiastic about parenting. Each parent should have as
much parenting time as possible, to ensure positive parent-child relationships
all around. It can be difficult but necessary, for the parent who has
always done the hands-on day-to-day caretaking to accept the fact that
the other parent is now interested in taking part. Your child will benefit
from this change in parenting style, even if the now-involved parent
tends to be somewhat less precise or adept about caretaking than you
are.
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Q: Should my former spouse's new companion be permitted to
spend time with my child?
A: Immediately upon separation it is best for both parents to spend
time with new partners when your child is in the care of the other parent.
This plan should continue until your divorce is final, or nearly final.
Your child will adjust most easily when he or she experiences closure
to the end of your marriage before beginning to see and imagine each
of you in a more permanent relationship with another individual. Whenever
a former spouse becomes remarried, however, your child should begin to
spend considerable time with the new stepmother or stepfather. This is
because the new adult who has entered the family of your son or daughter
has a responsibility to develop a relationship with your child. Even
though it will be very different from the original, parental relationship
you enjoy, the stepparent-stepchild relationship will be important.
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Q: How long should I wait to remarry?
A: Divorced parents tend to remarry quickly, within one to two years
of their separation. In general, this pattern is only best when your
child's original parents have adjusted well to the separation themselves,
and when they have built a solid coparenting relationship fairly easily.
When one or both of you has not dealt with the grief sufficiently, however,
your impulse may be to rush into a new marriage before the initial steps
of restructuring the divorced family have taken place. If you find yourself
struggling with your former spouse at the same time you are trying to
integrate a new parent figure into your child's life, it is best to postpone
the marriage, and return to the task of working on the coparental relationship
first. While this may take more than two years, it is most important
for your children that you firmly develop a positive post-divorce relationship
with their other parent.
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Q: How can I help make sure my child will adjust to my remarriage?
A:
Like your relationship with your coparent, your relationship with
your new spouse-to-be should be carefully developed together. You
should
plan for how you will integrate each child with a new stepparent,
and
stepsiblings. Before and after your remarriage, you should
have meetings to talk about each child's needs maintaining a primary
bond with the
other biological parent. Then, discussions about family rules
and bonding activities with the stepparent and each child should
take place. Make
sure you plan to have regular stepfamily parent meetings to
talk about how your are doing with the stepfamily adjustment process.
Remember,
whenever serious problems develop with a child is not biologically
related to a parent in a stepfamily unit, the original divorced
coparents should
step up, and meet together to talk about the welfare of your
child. This kind of commitment is, and always will be, the essence
of the coparenting
relationship.
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